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Tom Cruises Career Reboot: Mission Possible?

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ROCKLAND, ME-In an attempt to convince an anxious populace that his legislative agenda is working and that everything is going to be all right, President Barack Obama embarked on a 50-state, 30,000-town tour Monday during which he plans to gaze assuredly into the eyes of each American citizen, one at a time.

It was hilarious. And for the first time in a long time, it got people talking not about his beliefs, not about his behavior, but about him.

This the summer of Tom Cruise.

The 47-year-old actor is attempting to reestablish himself as a box office behemoth and remind audiences that hey, he is not just the weirdo who jumped on Oprah Winfrey couch, told Matt Lauer You dont know the history of psychiatry, I do” and claimed Scientology cured his dyslexia. He is dancing with J. Lo at the MTV Movie Awards . He is riding motorcycles and shooting guns with Cameron Diaz. He is a movie star, really!

In their announcement of the “2010 Eye-to-Eye Tour,” White House officials said that Obama will first spend two weeks making eye contact with the 55 million residents of the densely populated Northeastern states, looking into their eyes and, if necessary, offering them an encouraging head nod. Obama will then continue down the East Coast before taking on the tours biggest challenge: gazing with confidence into the eyes of a hostile Southern electorate that largely rejects his policies.

Brad Pitts Psychic Speaks

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Brad Pitt may have no use for religion, but his psychic tells Life & Style he is very spiritual and often seeks divine advice.

Life & Styles press release follows:

When super dad Brad Pitt has tough decisions to make, he turns to a surprising source–his psychic! Life & Style has learned that psychic Ron Bard has helped Brad through many important moments in his life. “Yes, Brad has come to me for a reading,” Bard tells Life & Style exclusively. “I know him both personally and through my business. He is very, very spiritual.”

Brad first visited Bard while married to Jen and filming Mr. & Mrs. Smith with Angelina. While he is keeping his visions of Brads future to himself, Bard tells Life & Style, “I meet a lot of celebrities in this business, and he is truly one of the nicest people. He is gracious and generous, just such a great person.”

Brads psychic describes himself as “an adviser to some of the richest and most powerful people around the world…from powerful CEOs of American and Japanese conglomerates to Hollywood celebrities.Earlier this year, he founded a paranormal social networking site, of all things, with his friend, Frasier star Kelsey Grammer.

Children Of All Ages Delighted By Enslavement Of Topsy The Elephant

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TUCSON, AZ-Cheers, laughter, and applause filled the big top tent at the Ringling Bros. Circus Saturday as children of all ages were captivated by the savage enslavement of Topsy the elephant. Whether young or just young at heart, thrilled audience members watched with glee as a circus trainer forced the frightened Topsy to perform tricks by brutally poking and prodding the traumatized 4-year-old pachyderm.He is such a funny happy elephant, said 8-year-old Madison Helms, referring to the abused creature that spends the majority of his time chained up in a cramped, feces-covered enclosure. He loves being in the circus!
The crowd reportedly let out loud gasps and vigorously clapped when Topsy stood up on his hind legs, an unnatural and excruciatingly painful movement that stresses and permanently damages the 8,000-pound elephants joints.Topsy also delighted the audience after the trainer repeatedly thrust a hooked rod into his skin, causing the miserable animal to lift one leg and his trunk to simulate waving.

Massive Flow Of Bullshit Continues To Gush From BP Headquarters.

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LONDON-As the crisis in the Gulf of Mexico entered its eighth week Wednesday, fears continued to grow that the massive flow of bullshit still gushing from the headquarters of oil giant BP could prove catastrophic if nothing is done to contain it. The toxic bullshit, which began to spew from the mouths of BP executives shortly after the explosion of the Deepwater Horizon oil rig in April, has completely devastated the Gulf region, delaying cleanup efforts, affecting thousands of jobs, and endangering the lives of all nearby wildlife.

Everything we can see at the moment suggests that the overall environmental impact of this will be very, very modest, said BP CEO Tony Hayward, letting loose a colossal stream of undiluted bullshit. The Gulf of Mexico is a very big ocean, and the volume of oil we are putting into it is tiny in relation to the total volume of water. According to sources, the sheer quantity of bullshit pouring out of Hayward is unprecedented, and it has thoroughly drenched the coastlines of Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, and Florida, with no end in sight. Though no one knows exactly how much of the dangerous bullshit is currently gushing from BP headquarters, estimates put the number at somewhere between 25,000 and 70,000 words a day.